The eternal recurrence of the Brexit summits

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Well, well, well. Look who’s back — traveling business class on the Eurostar with a sustainably sourced charcuterie tray. Yes, the European Union’s diplomatic pack swarmed into London last week for the first U.K.-EU summit on British soil since the exit-that-shall-not-be-named. The mood appeared to be a strange cocktail of polite amnesia and mutual suspicion, served with a warm pint of delusion.

Keir “Smooth Operator” Starmer did his best impression of a man who hasn’t spent the last five years insisting he respects the Brexit vote but has a secret thing for Schengen. Smiling like a prime minister who just remembered Nigel Farage’s latest approval ratings, Sir Keir welcomed European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen to Lancaster House — the poshest venue available that has not yet been torn down by all the Tory infighting of the last decade.

The EU delegation brought their usual toolkit: big, fat folders of bureaucratic jargon; passive aggression; and gift baskets of rules. The Brits responded in kind: tea, tight smiles, and vague allusions to “taking back control” — now rebranded as “common understanding.” Not quite as catchy.

Big wins, aka “dynamic alignment,” were claimed by both sides on youth mobility and easing food exports — concepts so gloriously noncommittal, they could have been borrowed from a Tinder bio. In short: Britain agreed to let French boats chase haddock around the Channel for the next 12 years, but only if they received in return the right to sell cheddar to Belgium again.

National sovereignty never tasted so sharp.

Nige “The Rage” Farage, in his usual reasonable and objective tone, called the deal “the end of the fishing industry.” Meanwhile, former prime minister and man allergic to hair brushes Boris Johnson simply labeled the whole thing a deliberate betrayal. The Brexit power couple knows how to keep it classy.

The summit ended in the usual flurry of statements, awkward group photos, the occasional love-bombing X posts and — in true European style — a joint press release simultaneously saying everything and absolutely nothing at the same time.

God save the agreement. Until the next summit.

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